Warnings

    The bus was late so she was walking--fast--speed walking was one of her specialties. "Slow down," her mother had said to her, "Slow down or you'll meet yourself coming." 

     She loved that image, walked faster, and faster. She would love to meet herself coming, had imagined her picture in the newspaper, "Girl Meets Herself Coming!" or "Girl sets new record for....."     

    What would they call it, her supposedly impossible feat? Well, the phrase, Slow down or you'll meet yourself coming could be interpreted as a warning or, even worse, a criticism, but she was talented at turning faint criticism into faint praise or, even better a challenge. "Stop talking and eat." 

    She loved the corollary of that,"Don't eat with your mouth full." 

    What was she supposed to do, remove her teeth before eating? Cut out her tongue?There was a lot going on in mouths, not just in hers, and adding a bite of apple or, say, a chocolate covered nut or two was inconsequential. Ridiculous. Most rules were ridiculous. 

    Look before you leap! So you stop leaping? How boring is that? Actions speak louder than words. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. The early bird catches the worm. Two heads are better than one...which always made her laugh and imagine the speaker with two heads--another road to fame if you want to be a famous freak. So many of these so-called warnings (like the 2 head idiocy) were literally false. 

    A watched pot never boils!! That one she had tested, filled a pot with water, put it on the stove, turned up the flame, stared at it unblinkingly, and, what do you think happened after 4 minutes and 8 seconds? The water boiled!! 

    You are what you eat. No, not true! She didn't feel even faintly like a banana, her favorite fruit, her spine was not curved, her skin was a pinkish hue without the faintest blush of yellow. 

    She could go on...and often did. Every dog has it's day. What does that even mean? 

    Her all time favorite was so obviously impossible: Don't count your chickens before they hatch! Those unhatched orbs are eggs, easily countable eggs, NOT chickens, nothing to be counted. 

    That obvious truth pleased her, relaxed her, and she could let the other absurdities rest too. For now.